I’ve been every alibi (”yeah kim, he was with me last wednesday night. he let me borrow his blender, and since he was there we watched the spurs game, did some blow, and fell asleep on my couch“), heard every story, and have had every possible guilty rationale volunteered to me (”i know i be doing my girl dirty, dog, but i’m anemic so i can’t help it.“)
Basically, i’ve heard every single logical reason why a man might have cheated. some are mind-numbingly simple and concise while others are much more nuanced and layered than you would ever imagine
Today, as another example of our commitment to fighting crime, i’m going to share all 35 of them.
Before i continue, i want to state that i completely abhor cheating and cheaters. i even distanced myself from a friend before because of this (rationale: the way he dogged her out, i knew he could have had much respect for anybody, including me), and this list isn’t an justification as much as its an explanation for why a guy might decide to step out of the relationship and an answer to the stupidly ubiquitous “why do men cheat?¹” question.
1. he thinks being monogamous is unreasonable
some guys just don’t believe being faithful is even possible, so they don’t even try
2. he wanted to
sometimes, its really as simple as a guy saying to himself “you know, i’ve never cheated on my girl before. i think i will this weekend”
3. he needs the extra attention
there are some men who can’t function without women perpetually fawning over him, and fawning sometimes leads to forking
4. he’s not physically attracted to you anymore
it sucks to hear this, but sometimes it’s really as simple as “you gained too much weight in the past year“ or “that chimp attack really didn’t do you any favors”
5. he feels entitled to
“i cheat because i can because i am who i am”
6. he can’t say no to a woman
these are usually also the guys who have closets full of never worn clothes they bought just because the cute chick at the banana republic convinced him to open a credit line
7. he just happened to be horny at a time when she (the other chick) was around and you weren’t
*reason number 324 why long distance relationships usually don’t work*
8. he wants you to break up with him
because he doesn’t have the balls to do it himself
9. he got caught up in the heat of the moment
sometimes its not about anything other than the fact that he happened to be rocking some “long hours at the office intensely working on a project with a female co-worker” goggles and got caught up
10. you’re boring as hell in bed
*also known as “the halle berry”*
11. he needs to cheat to keep the relationship happy
this is a tricky one, because a guy does this with his woman’s long-term benefit in mind. he’s love and wants to be with her, but realizes that he’ll get frustrated with her if he doesn’t use another woman as an outlet
12. he thinks he can’t please you sexually
generally speaking, we’re (men) extremely neurotic about our sexual performance. if we feel like we’re not fulfilling your needs, we consider it to be a personal indictment on our manhood (or lack thereof). this neurosis can lead to us going outside of the relationship for the sexual ego boost
13. he doesnt respect you
basically, he treats you like sh*t because he doesn’t think you deserve any better
14. you didnt trust him
the pressure of you always thinking that he was going to cheat finally broke him
15. he was pursued and seduced
just think of something a movie character played by robin givens would do. most guys can put up the “no” fence, but its takes a special individual to stop a relentless she-devil. it’s like wearing a mask in a room full of people with h1n1
16. you’re the mother of his children
and he just doesn’t want to do freaky sexual things to someone who’s breast feeding his daughter
17. you let him do it before
so this really shouldn’t be a surprise
18. its his form of masturbation
although women think this is bullsh*t, for some guys, there’s no difference between sex with another chick and j*rking off to bootytalk 82.
19. you stopped having sex with him
20. he thinks his penis is his only positive attribute
basically, this is the guy who ties his entire self-worth on being able to get women off. its all he thinks he’s good at (and he might be right)
21. he always needs to win
some ultra competitive alpha male types can’t stand losing, ever. to him, he cheats because he wants to win every attractive girl he sees for himself just so that the other guys interested in her will lose
22. he needed to see if he’s still attractive to other women
although, admittedly, he could probably do this without actually sleeping with them
23. he found someone he likes more than you
24. he was peer pressured into it
its rare, but there are guys who cheat just because everyone else in their peer group is doing it
25. you cheated on him
26. he’s a nymphomaniac
while i’m sure hundreds of men have tried to use this as a cop-out, sex addictions do actually exist. they even have support groups and reality shows and sh8t
27. he’s a thrill seeker
to him, sex isn’t fulfilling unless he knows he’s doing something or someone he shouldn’t be doing
28. he was given an offer/opportunity he couldnt refuse
you only live once. how many other times will he have the opportunity to sleep with keri hilson?
29. he couldn’t choose between you and the other chick, so he just decided to have both
to him, doing this is no different than going to coldstone and saying “damn, i can’t choose between sweet cream and moose tracks. maybe i’ll just get both”
30. he’s intentionally self-destructive
he knowingly doesn’t sh*t to sabotage good around him, and he cant help it.
31. he wanted to hurt you to pay you back for something you did to him
remember this the next time you b*tch to him about putting down the toilet seat
32. he has more options now than he did when you first met each other
and he either can’t handle the extra attention, or thinks its time for an upgrade
33. he was with her before you two even met
i have a friend who has had the exact same sidechick in each of his last three relationships. honestly, this is one i don’t understand. i’m gonna have to get him on vsb one day to explain himself
34. he needed to get it out of his system before fully committing to you
another “sounds like bullsh*t” excuse that actually does occasionally ring true
35. he enjoys “getting over” on people
There exists people who would rather steal something than get it for free, and men who cheat on women just because he enjoys knowing that he knows something she doesn’t know.
Do you agree that there can be various reasons why a man might step outside of his relationship, or do you think this list could have just stopped at “1. he’s a b*tch-ass n*gga. the end”?
The carpet is yours
You know, i’ve always hated being asked “why do men cheat?”, because the query itself has a way of implying four separate fallacies.
a) all men cheat.
b) cheating is a man-specific trait.
c) men are monoliths who all cheat for the exact same reason